Let’s get to the root of your self-promotion anxiety
I’m settling into my armchair, get ready for some amateur anxiety analysis!
Dear Pen Pals,
Ugh god why does telling people about my book make me feel so much cringe? Like everyone knows I wrote a book there is zero reason for my body to enter full shock mode when I try to talk about it even to my friends.
Signed,
I Hate Anxiety
Dear I Hate Anxiety,
Legitimately, I think getting to the answer of this question (which is going to be slightly different for everyone) is a core element to whether or not a book marketing campaign is going to be successful.
It hardly needs to be said, but the book market is oversaturated. Voracious readers have dozens (if not hundreds) of books on their TBR lists. In order to get your book onto those TBR lists, you need to stand out (in a good way)--and you absolutely cannot stand out (in a good way) if you’re doubting yourself and hesitant to tell people about your work. I’ve said it before, I’ll keep saying it as many times as I have to:
Why would someone be excited to read something you’re hesitant to talk about?
Especially because your audience isn’t going to know why you hesitate talking about your work. You know it’s anxiety, but to people who follow you it might look like lack of excitement or embarrassment–they may assume you don’t like your own work.
So let’s get into the two scenarios that strike fear into the hearts of writers everywhere, and try to get to the root of why that fear is happening:
Anxiety about promoting your work to friends and family: a.k.a the fear of asking for help
If you feel deep anxiety about sharing your work with your friends and family, you’re likely someone who is selective about who sees what side of you, and who you share your deepest emotions with.
You may also be someone who is more comfortable celebrating other people’s birthdays than you are celebrating your own. And just maaaaybe you’re someone who loves to offer help but hates to ask for help, because asking for help means showing vulnerability.
Ultimately, promoting your work to friends and family is asking for help. More likely than not, that’s where the anxiety stems from.
The fear is valid, but your brain is lying to you, and you need to get over it.
Want to know how I know?
In this scenario, flip the roles. Imagine your best friend is writing a book. In that scenario, do you think they think you’re cringe for talking about your book? Are you judging them for daring to share their success? Are you looking down on them for being vulnerable?
Or are you preordering a copy of their book in every format across retailers?
That’s what I did with Emily’s book (Violet Thistlewaite is Not a Villain Anymore, available for preorder now and also on Netgalley on request!). Legitimately I ordered 4 copies of that book, not because she asked me to, but because I wanted to (deal with it, Em).
Why are you assuming your friends and family don’t want to do that for you? Seems like a pretty unfair view of the people you love.
Promoting your work to strangers: a.k.a the fear of being annoying
Repeat after me:
The narrative I’ve built of how my followers perceive me is not real.
I’m serious, read it out loud:
THE NARRATIVE I HAVE BUILT OF HOW MY FOLLOWERS PERCEIVE ME IS NOT REAL!
Write it on a sticky note and put it somewhere you’ll see it regularly.
You tell yourself you’re annoying if you talk too much. You tell yourself that your followers don’t want to hear about your book. You tell yourself they’re going to hate when you post links for where they can buy your book. You tell yourself no one is interested in your book and you should stop taking up space.
I ask you: WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THEY’RE FOLLOWING YOU?!
It’s one thing if your social media content is drastically different from what your book is about–but chances are, it’s not. Even if you originally got a following from something unrelated to books, people are still following you. They’re following you because they like you. They like what you say and the things you post. I can say that with full confidence.
Because you know what a person does when they don’t like an account anymore?
And then everything I’ve said above still applies, because they’re no longer your follower! Let them go! Don’t focus all your energy on people who don’t follow you, think about all the new people who are going to follow you because they like your book! This is a classic glass-half-empty vs. half-full situation. You get to decide how you think about it, and what you choose is going to affect the quality of your promotion.
In short, stop assuming people think you’re annoying. Seems like a pretty unfair view of people who actively chose to follow you.
I’m not saying this anxiety is easy to get over or that understanding why you’re feeling anxious is all you need to make it go away. The fear will still be there, and the trick is building up your resilience to that fear and shame and doubt so that you’re able to push past it.
So with that, I have our first SHAMELESS PLUG in a hot minute! And in one more Uno Reverse, this plug is homework for learning skills to increase distress tolerance!
Kiki Fehling, PhD is a DBT therapist and has amazing TikTok videos on building distress tolerance for all kinds of scenarios. You don’t need to be in an extreme place in order to implement their guidance (I’ve literally used their advice for my anxiety about going to the post office😅). They also have a guided journal called Self-Directed DBT Skills and a new card deck that outlines coping strategies (I frequently pull out the “when to say no” card and prop it up on my desk).
Kiki is also one of our subscriber pals–we love you, Kiki!!
To everyone reading this: you are not an imposter. It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to be seen and known and loved. It’s okay to talk about your book.
Love,
Pip (he/they)
Armchair Therapist